What goes through towns, up hills, and down roads but never moves?

- The Road!

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Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?

- Because it was overbooked!

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What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?

- Where on Earth have you been?!

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I want to hang a map of the world in my house so I can place pins in all the destinations I have traveled to.  First, I need to visit the destinations in the top two corners though, because I can’t get the map to stay up otherwise!

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Why don’t aliens visit our planet?

- Terrible ratings with only one star!

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I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.

- THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS!

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Have you heard about the pilot that decided to cook while flying?

- It was a recipe for disaster!

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Why did the pirate go on vacation?

- He needed some AARRRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!

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Where do sheep go on vacation?

- To the Baaaaaahamas!

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A motorist pulls up to the gas pump and says, “Fill it up, please.”  The Attendant notices that there are penguins in the front and back seat of the car.  The Attendant says, “Hey, buddy, those penguins can’t be happy like this!  They’re wild animals.  You should take them to a zoo or something.”   The motorist agreed and pulled out.  The next day, the motorist goes back to the station and the Attendant sees the penguins are still in the car.  “What’s this?”, he asks the motorist.  “I thought you were taking them to the zoo?”  The driver states, “I did!  And, they had so much fun that today I am taking them to the beach!”

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What people travel the most?

- Romans

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A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.  The woman told the dentist, “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I am in a big hurry.  Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we will be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed!  “You are certainly a courageous woman.  Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said. “Show him your tooth, dear.”

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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to Finland and now Santa Claus is missing!

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What sound does a bouncing plane make?

- Boeing!

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A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.  “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.  When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

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Where do math teachers go on vacation?

- Times Square!

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Maria was going on an ocean cruise, and she tells her doctor that she’s worried about getting really seasick.  The doctor tells her, “Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.” Maria says, “Will that keep me from getting sick?”  The doctor says, “No, but it will look pretty in the water!”

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How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb?

- Six: One to hold the lightbulb and five to ask for directions.

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During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.  I called room service and ordered some soda crackers.  When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious!  I called room service and raged, “I know I am in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!”  “The crackers are complimentary,” the voice on the other end coolly explained.  “I believe you are complaining about your room number.”

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The frightened tourist: “Are there any bats in this cave?”

- The guide: “There were, but don’t worry, the snakes ate all of them!”

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A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100.  He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.  The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.  Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100.  The travel agent whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.  Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”  The second man says, “I don’t think so.  They didn’t do it last year!”